This Marin Voice article was posted by MHYP member Jennifer Taylor in 2017, but these 10 tips are timeless.
As the school year approaches, I have been asked more than usual about raising healthy teens.
There is no wrong or right. But the common denominator is keeping a close emotional bond.
1. Have a “date” each week with each child. Resistance is likely, but you are the parent. If you don’t insist, the chance is lost.
2. Back off on grades or winning.
I don’t mean relax expectations for ability for growth. However, teens put pressure on themselves; a poor performance only makes them feel worse and stressed. Stress beckons the flight/fright/freeze impulse.
This is great to evade a car accident, but it can impede brain function.
If things seem to be going in the wrong direction, use the “curious question.” (see No. 10)
3. Have a healthy relationship with alcohol. If you are using alcohol to “calm” down after a long day or to start off the weekend set of social events, consider how this may affect your teen. They are watching you, just like when they were toddlers.
If a teen sees alcohol as a mandatory ingredient to being mature, it is more likely they will take the same approach — and sooner than we’d like.
4. Meet their friends (and the parents of their friends).
Peer relationships become more important and influential in teenage years. This is very healthy!
But, if you don’t know what that influence is, then you cannot control it.
If your kids resist? Red flag.
5. Know what your kids are doing on their phones or tablets or computers.
Science has proven that too much time in front of a screen changes the brain similar to substance abuse. Not only should you limit screen time, but every so often, you should review what sites and posts they are creating and watching.
6. Give them house chores.
You need the help, admit it.
All teenagers can do their own laundry or walk the dog or vacuum the rug. Teens learn pride of work and that things don’t just “happen.”
7. Encourage them to get a job or volunteer. Carving out time to take care of someone or something else is a recipe for success in life.
8. Don’t put your teen in the middle of your divorce or failed adult relationship. Whatever stress you have with your ex, it is not information for your teen.
Refrain from snide remarks, adult conversations, demeaning comments about their work, their next relationship, etc. Get on the same page with your ex regarding your teen being the most important, right now.
If you are having trouble with this, please seek counseling.
9. Hug your kid. Physical touch is one of the most powerful nurturing acts.
In fact, in scientific studies, offspring who are touched had a lower level of cortisol (stress hormone) and a higher level of oxytocin (relax hormone).
Teens will learn to be more trusting and resilient. They may bristle, they may groan, but in the end, the physical connection will signal their brain that they are safe with you and that you love them — no matter how crazy they may make you.
10. The “curious question.”
If you do only one thing, this is it.
When faced with a conflict, approach your teen with a curious question. Try to figure out the “why” behind the “what.”
I agree with consequences. However, you may find the root of the problem is something your kind attention will solve.
Jennifer Taylor of Sausalito is the managing principal consultant at JET ED Consulting. She is a therapist who works with children and teens with therapeutic educational challenges.